Yesterday, I was in the car with my mum, dad and sister. We were discussing all sorts of things and my sister brought up a lot of questions to my Mum and Dad about the who was the best behaved child and other random memories. We were discussing something that I can’t even remember, a memory that we were trying to place in the history of our lives. I threw out an age, “Was I about 14?”, and her response was profound and honest – “No, it was when you were happy.”
It got my mind back onto something I’ve been thinking about for a long time – the idea that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I can’t recall so many days where I wake up feeling okay and when I don’t, it doesn’t knock me back for weeks. I don’t recall so genuinely content with my life and having legitimate aspirations I can try to achieve. My life isn’t completely ruled by my anxiety but I also know my limits , I know when to push that anxiety and when to leave it. Sitting here writing this I just feel happy. I’ve got the highest grade ever achieved on my college work, I’ve got a job – a fulfilling job that makes me excited to leave the house, and I’ve looked around a University and cannot wait to think about my future there.
I’m genuinely so content that happiness is a realistic possibility everyday. I actually want to leave the house and find myself going crazy if I haven’t left the house before work at 3 o’clock. Now I’ve finished college for the year, I’ve started teaching myself further science because my love of learning is back. I’m comfortable with who I am and I don’t want to hide it, whether that’s emotionally, physically or autistically.
And being so happy just reminds me how grateful I am. Grateful to my family, grateful to my friends, grateful to the medication I take. Grateful that I can live life again when making informed decisions based off my neurotype and my mental health. It’s weird to think that I was so gradually unhappy, but I only noticed it when I experienced the biggest amount of happiness. And that’s why I’m grateful. You can never put things into perspective until you experience something else, and I’m just so glad I can experience this happiness because it means that I will never go back to where it was. It’s too much to lose.