Happiness

Yesterday, I was in the car with my mum, dad and sister. We were discussing all sorts of things and my sister brought up a lot of questions to my Mum and Dad about the who was the best behaved child and other random memories. We were discussing something that I can’t even remember, a memory that we were trying to place in the history of our lives. I threw out an age, “Was I about 14?”, and her response was profound and honest – “No, it was when you were happy.”

It got my mind back onto something I’ve been thinking about for a long time – the idea that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I can’t recall so many days where I wake up feeling okay and when I don’t, it doesn’t knock me back for weeks. I don’t recall so genuinely content with my life and having legitimate aspirations I can try to achieve. My life isn’t completely ruled by my anxiety but I also know my limits , I know when to push that anxiety and when to leave it. Sitting here writing this I just feel happy. I’ve got the highest grade ever achieved on my college work, I’ve got a job – a fulfilling job that makes me excited to leave the house, and I’ve looked around a University and cannot wait to think about my future there.

I’m genuinely so content that happiness is a realistic possibility everyday. I actually want to leave the house and find myself going crazy if I haven’t left the house before work at 3 o’clock. Now I’ve finished college for the year, I’ve started teaching myself further science because my love of learning is back. I’m comfortable with who I am and I don’t want to hide it, whether that’s emotionally, physically or autistically.

And being so happy just reminds me how grateful I am. Grateful to my family, grateful to my friends, grateful to the medication I take. Grateful that I can live life again when making informed decisions based off my neurotype and my mental health. It’s weird to think that I was so gradually unhappy, but I only noticed it when I experienced the biggest amount of happiness. And that’s why I’m grateful. You can never put things into perspective until you experience something else, and I’m just so glad I can experience this happiness because it means that I will never go back to where it was. It’s too much to lose.

 

A Somewhat Incoherent Ramble About Struggling

We all struggle sometimes – and that’s completely okay. To admit it, is in fact, even better. But that doesn’t make it easy to do so.

Things have been rough. My physical health is not great and, as always, it’s taken a toll on my mental health. Being hypersensitive to pain doesn’t help, either. It’s weird because this time of year is usually when my mental health gets better, but it’s got worse. I know it’s just stress. I’ve got a lot of assignments to do and everything’s become a bit too much. I walked out of college the other week as a way to try and cope, I’ve been getting home from college and laying in a dark room for a while, crying and melting down more often and I’ve ordered a weighted blanket to help me sleep better, if that’s any indication of how things have been going.

My biggest struggle at the moment is feeling that I’ll burnout again. It’s maybe my biggest fear. I can’t go back to feeling scared to leave the house and leaving my bed a couple of times a week. I’m not there. And I won’t let myself be there again. But it doesn’t change the fact I’m scared.

I think there’s something scary about admitting to struggling when you’re autistic. We’re often told that our lives are struggles and protesting against this becomes normal. It’s ridiculous but I fear that people will change their ideas about me if I say I’m struggling. Something about protesting that I don’t need curing and that I’m never going to be ‘normal’ makes me feel like I shouldn’t say that I’m struggling.

And that’s exactly why I should.

Being honest about this is important for me, but not just internally. Admitting to myself that I’m not doing well is difficult, but telling anyone else is harder and I wish it wasn’t. The stigma around mental health and autism is huge, and helps no one, and combining them together feels hard and scary to break. It’s not though. That’s why this post is shorter and less coherent than usual, but hopefully, I’ll be back on it soon.

I’m not completely okay, and that is completely okay.

Moving On: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

In September, I made the most significant choice of my life so far – I began college. For my international readers, this is an alternative choice for the two years at school, where different courses are offered to the exam-based ones found at school. I’d found a course that I was so excited to begin, a BTEC Level 3 Extended Diploma in Applied Science (Forensics), with the Level 2 version as a back up if my GCSEs didn’t go to well. Fortunately, they did! I finished school with all As and Bs, which, considering I wasn’t in school much but put a lot of work in, isn’t too bad.

So, I was ready to begin. I’d had a support worker already in place – something that my diagnosis allowed me easy access to – and had toured around the college a few times, to get a feel of it. I remember on one of these tours, a tutor – who teaches me now – asked if I was looking forward to the course. I answered that I definitely was. She then asked if I was looking forward to making new friends. I paused for a moment, unsure, and simply replied “I’m not too sure that’ll happen”. She assured me it would, and I have to say she was right!

On the first day, I was scared but excited. I was away from school, and it was all I could have wanted, but I also didn’t want to be alone. By the break, however, I’d managed to make three friends, something that shocked me quite a bit. I’d felt alone throughout school, feeling like I was an outsider and, towards the end, the person who only seemed to receive comments of “Oh my god, you’re actually alive?” when I felt okay enough to attend lessons. But at college, everyone was new. Standing there in my Harry Potter top, being open about who I am – including having anxiety and being autistic – I made friends who were fine with it. It was the first time I’d gone into friendships knowing who I was and saying it from the start. It’s another one of the times that makes me so glad for my diagnosis.

I have friends who like the same things as me, at times are as ridiculous as me. Friends who are happy to go and get piercings with me. Friends who are comfortable with who I am, making me more comfortable with who I am.

Over two months after starting college, the change in me is quite incredible. I’m looking into university as a serious possibility at the end of my two year course, while also knowing my boundaries in that respect, and not looking at universities too far away from home. I’m considering learning to drive and looking at places I might be able to work in the future. I’m able to rationalise anxiety that’s normal and anxiety that’s not. I’m able to get myself out of bed and get myself ready for the day, without needing everything talked through. I’m the most independent I’ve ever been – I’m fine with leaving the house alone these days, while also taking my family up on the offer to go out with them when it’s there.

This isn’t to say I’m fine the whole time – there has been shutdowns, stress and difficulty with understanding the world around me. Those things aren’t ever going to change – I’m autistic, it’s who I am. I’m more able to deal with it, though, because the environment is different. As my mum – a teacher – always says ‘School is a place where square pegs are expected to fit in round holes’ and what we’ve noticed is that college is not that. There’s so much less fitting in, less ‘you must sit here now, still and quiet, but move in exactly one hour’ (even if that’s when you’ve just about got settled), less pressure to be who you’ve been for the last five years. It’s a fresh start and one that’s changed my life.

This, however, isn’t just an update about me. It’s my offer of guidance, in a way. I know quite a few people have read this blog and got in touch with my mum, realising the situation applies to their family members. I want to stress that there are options, ways to make things easier while school is still compulsory and there are people who’ve been through it all before (like myself!). For this reason, I want to remind people that you can comment on my posts or email me directly ( at proudlyautisticblogger@outlook.com) if any of this resonates with you. My experience with school and the difficulties it brought along were awful in some ways, but if I can take anything positive from it, and use it to help others, I’d be happy to.

I’m also looking to make some more ‘A Guide To:’ posts, but they require a lot of fact-checking and time, so they’re entirely dependant on my college workload. I’m hoping to write some shorter posts, like these and memory posts, while those are in the works. Thank you to everyone who’s been reading, commenting on and sharing this blog – it means a lot!