In September, I made the most significant choice of my life so far – I began college. For my international readers, this is an alternative choice for the two years at school, where different courses are offered to the exam-based ones found at school. I’d found a course that I was so excited to begin, a BTEC Level 3 Extended Diploma in Applied Science (Forensics), with the Level 2 version as a back up if my GCSEs didn’t go to well. Fortunately, they did! I finished school with all As and Bs, which, considering I wasn’t in school much but put a lot of work in, isn’t too bad.
So, I was ready to begin. I’d had a support worker already in place – something that my diagnosis allowed me easy access to – and had toured around the college a few times, to get a feel of it. I remember on one of these tours, a tutor – who teaches me now – asked if I was looking forward to the course. I answered that I definitely was. She then asked if I was looking forward to making new friends. I paused for a moment, unsure, and simply replied “I’m not too sure that’ll happen”. She assured me it would, and I have to say she was right!
On the first day, I was scared but excited. I was away from school, and it was all I could have wanted, but I also didn’t want to be alone. By the break, however, I’d managed to make three friends, something that shocked me quite a bit. I’d felt alone throughout school, feeling like I was an outsider and, towards the end, the person who only seemed to receive comments of “Oh my god, you’re actually alive?” when I felt okay enough to attend lessons. But at college, everyone was new. Standing there in my Harry Potter top, being open about who I am – including having anxiety and being autistic – I made friends who were fine with it. It was the first time I’d gone into friendships knowing who I was and saying it from the start. It’s another one of the times that makes me so glad for my diagnosis.
I have friends who like the same things as me, at times are as ridiculous as me. Friends who are happy to go and get piercings with me. Friends who are comfortable with who I am, making me more comfortable with who I am.
Over two months after starting college, the change in me is quite incredible. I’m looking into university as a serious possibility at the end of my two year course, while also knowing my boundaries in that respect, and not looking at universities too far away from home. I’m considering learning to drive and looking at places I might be able to work in the future. I’m able to rationalise anxiety that’s normal and anxiety that’s not. I’m able to get myself out of bed and get myself ready for the day, without needing everything talked through. I’m the most independent I’ve ever been – I’m fine with leaving the house alone these days, while also taking my family up on the offer to go out with them when it’s there.
This isn’t to say I’m fine the whole time – there has been shutdowns, stress and difficulty with understanding the world around me. Those things aren’t ever going to change – I’m autistic, it’s who I am. I’m more able to deal with it, though, because the environment is different. As my mum – a teacher – always says ‘School is a place where square pegs are expected to fit in round holes’ and what we’ve noticed is that college is not that. There’s so much less fitting in, less ‘you must sit here now, still and quiet, but move in exactly one hour’ (even if that’s when you’ve just about got settled), less pressure to be who you’ve been for the last five years. It’s a fresh start and one that’s changed my life.
This, however, isn’t just an update about me. It’s my offer of guidance, in a way. I know quite a few people have read this blog and got in touch with my mum, realising the situation applies to their family members. I want to stress that there are options, ways to make things easier while school is still compulsory and there are people who’ve been through it all before (like myself!). For this reason, I want to remind people that you can comment on my posts or email me directly ( at email@example.com) if any of this resonates with you. My experience with school and the difficulties it brought along were awful in some ways, but if I can take anything positive from it, and use it to help others, I’d be happy to.
I’m also looking to make some more ‘A Guide To:’ posts, but they require a lot of fact-checking and time, so they’re entirely dependant on my college workload. I’m hoping to write some shorter posts, like these and memory posts, while those are in the works. Thank you to everyone who’s been reading, commenting on and sharing this blog – it means a lot!